Find Your Bliss with Crime Therapy™.

Look at you. You’re comfortable, aren’t you. Sitting on your velvet sofa, listening to a podcast, eating a banana. 

Perhaps a little too comfortable? Maybe you’d like to take those atrophied adrenal glands of yours for a spin. Maybe you’d like to feel something, or the good kind of nothing. 

Introducing: Crime Therapy™. In this three-week evening course, you’ll learn about the invigorating emotional and physical benefits of committing possibly imprisonable offences (and then apply what you’ve learned to practical real-world scenarios). Rob a granny. Loot a newsagents. Steal a TV. Your primal self is waiting patiently for rediscovery.

There’s an entire earth out there to scorch, you gorgeous bored fool. Don’t worry: a little danger makes the soul work harder. Colours get brighter. Salt gets saltier. Senses sharpen.

Forget acai bowls and spinning. The modern path to bliss is getting within rattling distance of the clink. When it happens, shepherd’s pie and telly on a Tuesday will no longer cut the mustard. Congratulations! Your life just became a life.

Your partner will no doubt be wildly attracted to your new carpe diem devil-may-care lease on life, and you may find the not-so-stiff corpse of your beleaguered sex life reanimated in appealing new ways. Be careful: this is heady stuff for even the most domesticated cat. Use your newly acquired physical charisma wisely: like the sun, one should not encounter it too closely.

Wind, meet caution. The moment has never been as thoroughly inhabited as it is right now. You’re about to demand the devil’s dance card and write your name in every space. If in doubt, run towards the dissolving limits at the edge of your conscious mind. What larks! 

Join the millions enjoying the life-enriching benefits of Crime Therapy™. Get three 1 hour sessions for the price of 2, this October only. Possible side effects include life imprisonment. FDA-approval pending, terms and conditions apply.